Divorce – what to avoid.. how to heal..

Here are some quick tips on how not be a jerk when hearing about someone’s divorce:

– If you are not their qualified marriage counselor or an attorney do not “assume” and start placing blame on either of the parties. Unless there was downright physical and emotional Abuse you know for a fact and were a witness to.
– Do not define the entire human and his or her entire achievements or character based on divorce.
– Realize that both parties are already hurting and your assumptions and hearsay can cause more harm and hurt to them. And as fellow Muslims that is haraam. Yep you read it right HARAAM.
– Qur’an clearly says that assumption is a sin. Stop assuming things based on your very limited knowledge.
– Say a good word or remain silent.
– Do not tell divorced people how they should feel or how they need to spread awareness based on their experience or how quickly they should heal. People who are divorced have every single right to not tell anyone. To heal at their own pace and to not turn a very vulnerable part of their life into an education session. They can decide to not speak about it at all and we all need to respect that.
– Mind your own freaking business. I honestly wish I could shake people and shout this in their ear drums. So many lives have been destroyed because so many of us fail to follow this little advice and a basic life skill. Don’t stick your nose where it doesn’t belong. It is a matter of two people who’ve grown a part, allow them to handle it. You’re denying both parties the opportunity to learn life lessons if you try to ‘fix’ the situation. Fix your own life first mate.
[I promise I am not a violent person, but the destruction interference in friendships or relations or marriage moves me a little on the edge]
– If children are involved the nonsense that comes out of your mouth will affect them. Honestly have some shame. control your curiosity and just shut up.
– If children are not involved do not say things like “thank Allah you two do not have kids” that is downright rude and is in noway on this Earth and not even in another parallel universe comforting. Ignorant statements like these cause more hurt.
– Realize Divorce is not a failure. In most cases it is the best thing that can happen to a couple. It is better to live single and happy and be better single parents than to be married and miserable and teach kids all sorts of wrong things about love, commitment and companionship.
– Divorce not only affects the individuals or kids involved but two entire families. Everyone is hurting respect that.
– Divorce suddenly seems to invite and attract well-meaning friends, relatives and bystanders, many who think they should offer advice on how to manage the divorce. And usually the advice surrounds around fear, suspicion and how to fight the other person.
Don’t be a jerk [keep repeating till it sinks in].
– Understand that people are totally capable of managing a divorce with grace and dignity. Not every divorce is ugly and bitter. There is not always drama involved. And even if drama is involved it is not your drama.
Repeat – Not my Circus and not my monkeys.
– Just because someone is a public figure you do not have the right to pass judgments or offer your unwanted opinions. This nonsense was uncontrollable when Sister Yasmin Mogahed shared about her separation. Every tom,dick and harry and seeta,geeta and meeta had an opinion about it. People who have never had one line conversations with Sister Yasmin were suddenly experts on her life and what she should have and she shouldn’t have done. Blimey what ultimate jokers.
– Our role models are our prophets and the people Allah has sworn by. I would like to share this little reminder by Ustadh Omar Suleiman

“I tell people this over and over again: don’t attach your faith to people. People will come and go. People will disappoint you. People will divulge dark secrets. People will turn out to be the opposite of what you thought.
Allah is perfect. His Messenger (peace be upon him) is a perfect example, and the religion is a perfect methodology. Attach yourself to the principles instead of the people. That way no Shaykh going wild or role model going rogue will be able to shake your faith.”
– Shaykh Omar Suleiman

Stop blaming public figures – they are humans. And humans are complex and fragile at the very same time.

– FACEBOOK AND SOCIAL MEDIA BULLYING – Bullying and harassing through Facebook is always a repercussion, and you could find yourself in deep troubles if you start slandering or defaming a person’s character. You may find yourself in a lot of fire if you make false accusations and assumptions. If not with people and not in this duniya then definitely in akhira with Allah and for eternity.
Fear Allah – Fear Allah seriously!

HOW YOU CAN HELP – YOU ASK?

– Pay for their counselling – healing takes a lot of effort..
– Send weekly meals.
– Offer to clean their home and workspace.
– Send them gifts it is sunnah and builds love and friendships.
– Gift them a spa day and offer to babysit their children.
– Do not bring up their ex or discuss about the divorce infront of kids. You can listen and support without getting caught up in the drama. Help reduce drama, not increase it. You can do it, I believe in you.
– Set horizons and boundaries on when you can talk about the divorce and when you can talk about just fun and future. And listen to the party that is hurting and do not force yourself or your help on them.
– Let them know it is okay to take time to heal and that you will always be around to lend a shoulder and to listen.

THE VERY BEST THING YOU CAN DO 🙂
Make dua! ❤
Make dua in sujood and in tahajjud for the humans that are hurting.
Dua heals everyone. Remember we are all on the same journey towards our lord. We are all walking each other home – OUR REAL HOME JANNAH. Do not undermine the weight of what comes out of your mouth or what you type with your fingers.

TAWAKKUL

Tawakkul is more than saying, ‘I rely on
Allāh ﷻ’.
It is to put your newborn son inside a basket and let it float into the darkness of the ocean.
It is to place a slaughter knife at your son’s throat and not flinch for a blink of an eye.
It is to migrate from your homeland into an unknown future while your enemies are but a few footsteps away plotting your murder.
It is to be stuck inside the belly of a whale but still utter only that which pleases Allāh ﷻ.
It is to be thrown into a well by your own brothers, into fire by your own father—but still find Allāh ﷻ sufficient for you.
It is to watch your son’s arrogance drown him, to lose all your wealth, health and children but still find your heart content despite the losses.
It is to know that people are hunting you down to crucify you and yet, know that Allāh ﷻ is your Wakīl and that He ﷻ will protect and save you.
It is to fight all odds despite crumbling to the ground out of weakness because Allāh ﷻ is the source of your strength.
It is having the unwavering conviction that every single second of your life has been decreed by Allāh.
Have the right kind of tawakkul and don’t lose hope in Him ﷻ. And remember—a story written by the Best of Writers could never have a hopeless ending.

*Nine Lessons from Surah Hujurat* “When a glass breaks, the sound of breaking disappears immediately, whereas the glass pieces are scattered all over, hurting whoever walks over it”. Similarly, “When you say something that hurts someone’s emotions and feelings, your words disappear, but in the heart remains pain for long.” Therefore, don’t say anything except good and always remember the nine advises and prohibitions that Allah has given in Surah Hujurat (The Surah of manners) before you say anything to anyone: 1.-فتبينوا: “Fa Tabayyanu”: Investigate: whenever you receive an information, lest you harm people out of ignorance. 2.-فأصلحوا: “Fa Aslihu”: Make settlement: between your brothers as believers are brothers. 3.-وأقسطوا: “Wa Aqsitu”: Act justly: whenever there is a dispute try for settlement and act justly among both parties as Allah loves those who act justly. 4.-لا يسخر: “La Yaskhar”: Don’t ridicule people, perhaps they may be better than you to Allah. 5.-ولا تلمزوا: “Wa La Talmizu”: Don’t insult one another. 6.-ولا تنابزوا: “Wa La Tanabazu”: Don’t call each other with offensive nicknames. 7.-اجتنبو كثيرا من الظن: “Ijtanibu Kathiiran min Aldhan”: Avoid negative assumptions, indeed some of the assumptions are sins. 8.-ولا تجسسوا: “Wa La Tajassasu”: Don’t spy on each other. 9.-ولا يغتب بعضكم بعضا: “Wa La Yaghtab”: Don’t backbite about each other. It’s a major sin equivalent to eating your dead brother’s flesh. Lastly, Allah says in the Qur’an “Remind, because the reminder benefits believers”. “

Who can truly fill the void?

The emptiness within our hearts tells us that in order for it to be complete, we must hand it over to someone. Often we are mistaken, and we either hand it over to this transient world, or to a being who can not even fill the void wihin him/herself.
In our minds, we have this perfect idea of how things will work out, but we are merely deluding ourselves. Such a plan can only be concocted through the influences of shaytaan. 

For shaytaan desires that your heart be torn to shreds so that you may seek and chase after that which displeases Allah due to feeling ‘let down’ by Him. No. Rather we have been let down and deceived by our Nafs. By shaytaan who promised us all these pretty things. Really and truly he himself flees out of fear of Allah, yet leaves us to deal with the mess he helps create. 

But the pain and heartache should teach you that you were mistaken. That you were indeed supposed to hand over your heart to someone, but unfortunately it fell in to the wrong hands.

It was supposed to be handed over to Allah, for the emptiness within is really and truly but a longing for Him.
And that emptiness can not be filled until one submits to Him completely and falls down in defeat before Him. 

It’s okay to feel defeated by the dunya, by shaytaan, by the nafs.It’s okay because we all get tired of this struggle. We all tire from fighting to stay upon the right path. Hence falling in defeat shows Allah your humility, and weakness, it demonstrates utter desperation and helplessness before Him, due to our need for Him. 

And only through the crushing of the heart can we really find Allah and hand it to Him so that He may make it whole again, but this time with His remembrance. 

An Inspiration from a Pigeon – Narrated by my Brother Abu Aadil

As I took my car in the morning from home to Office and turned right to go to the main road (its in front of mafraq mall). A white pigeon flew and sat on the centre of the road and my car was picking Speed from 20 Km/ h to 40 km/ h and was about to approach the pigeon. I thought pigeon would get frightened and flew away so did not apply the break.

As I almost came near the pigeon, the pigeon was still there and with guilty I realized that it was too late to apply the breaks and kept moving. I thought I have hit the pigeon.

Out of guilt and curiosity I looked in to the rear view mirror of the car to see how bad the pigeon was hit.

Subhana Allah, Alhamdulillah, the pigeon was still sitting there, may be smiling at me and thinking “when I kept Tawakul in my creator, even your moving car could do no harm to me”.

Had the pigeon panicked at the time of my car moving, or reacted just before my car was about to cross her, surely it would have got hit.

Alhamdulillah, Allah made the pigeon to sit there and made my car to move over it. Imagine the pigeon seeing the car tires moving on her sides and the car body on its top. Alhamdulillah. Allah blessed her with cool mind and protected from the imminent danger.

Alhamdulillah, I once again looked into the rear view mirror before taking right on the T junction road, the white pigeon flapped its wings and took off. Masha Allah!!

What a lesson for us, SubhanaAllah!

May Allah help…..

If you died right now, at this moment; would you be ready for the grave and then judgement? Are you content and pleased with your Islam, Qur’an recitation, manners, hijab and deeds?

I’m not! May Allah make us better and more serious about …being better!

The real question is what are we going to do to improve? Reading this and feeling bad is not the way to fix it. We have to take some serious steps!

May Allah make it as easy for us to read His Book, understand, memorize, practice and act on it as it is for us to be on the internet! Aameen!

Where there’s a will there’s a way

An old man lived alone in home. He wanted to spade his potato garden, but it was very hard work. His only son, who would have helped him, was in prison.

The old man wrote a letter to his son and told his situation.

“Dear Son, I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won’t be able to plant my potato garden this year. I hate to miss doing the garden, because your mother always loved planting time. I’m just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot.

If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me, if you weren’t in prison … Your Father.”

Shortly, the old man received the reply from his son: “For heaven’s sake, Dad, don’t dig up the garden! That’s where I buried the Guns!”

The next morning, A dozen FBI agents and local police officers showed up and dug up the entire garden without finding any guns.

Confused old man wrote another note to his son telling him what have happened, and asked him what to do next.

His son’s reply was: “Go ahead and plant your potatoes, Dad, It’s the best I could do for you from here.”

MORAL: No matter where you are in the world, if you have decided to do something deep from your heart, you can do it!

Motivation time…

Read this and let it really sink in…then choose how to start your day tomorrow…

Rayyan is the kind of guy you love to hate. He is always in a
good mood and always has something positive to say. When
someone would ask him how he was doing, he would reply, “If I
were any better, I would be twins!”

He was a natural motivator. If an employee was having a bad
day, Rayyan was there telling the employee how to look on the
positive side of the situation.

Seeing this style really made me curious, so one day I went up to
Rayyan and asked him, “I don’t get it! You can’t be a positive
person all of the time. How do you do it?”

Rayyan replied, “Each morning I wake up and say to myself,
‘Rayyan, you have two choices today. You can choose to be in a
good mood or you can choose to be in a bad mood.’ I choose to
be in a good mood.

“Each time something bad happens, I can choose to be a victim
or I can choose to learn from it. I choose to learn from it.

“Every time someone comes to me complaining, I can choose to
accept their complaining or I can point out the positive side of
life. I choose the positive side of life.”

“Yeah, right, it isn’t that easy,” I protested.

“Yes, it is,” Rayyan said. Life is all about choices. When you
cut away all the junk, every situation is a choice. You choose
how you react to situations. You choose how people will affect
your mood. You choose to be in a good mood or bad mood. “The
bottom line is: It’s your choice how you live life.”

I reflected on what Rayyan said. Soon thereafter, I left the tower industry to start my own business. We lost touch, but I often thought about him when I made a choice about life instead of reacting to it.

Several years later, I heard that Rayyan was involved in a
serious accident, falling some 60 feet from a communications
tower. After 18 hours of surgery and weeks of intensive care,
Rayyan was released from the hospital with rods placed in his
back.

I saw Rayyan about six months after the accident. When I asked
him how he was, he replied, “If I were any better, I’d be twins.
Wanna see my scars?”

I declined to see his wounds, but did ask him what had gone
through his mind as the accident took place. “The first thing that went through my mind was the well being of my soon-to-be-
born daughter,” Rayyan replied. “Then, as I lay on the ground, I remembered that I had two choices: I could choose to live or I could choose to die. I chose to live.”

“Weren’t you scared? Did you lose consciousness?” I asked.

Rayyan continued, “The paramedics were great.They kept
telling me I was going to be fine. But when they wheeled me
into the ER and I saw the expressions on the faces of the doctors
and nurses, I got really scared. In their eyes, I read ‘He’s a dead man.’ I knew I needed to take action.”

“What did you do?” I asked. “Well, there was a big burly nurse
shouting questions at me,” said Rayyan . “She asked if I was
allergic to anything. ‘Yes,’ I replied. The doctors and nurses
stopped working as they waited for my reply. I took a deep
breath and yelled, ‘Gravity.’ Over their laughter, I told them, ‘I am choosing to live. Operate on me as if I am alive, not dead’.”
Rayyan lived, thanks to the skill of his doctors, but also because of his amazing attitude. I learned from him that every day we have the choice to live fully.

Attitude, after all, is everything.

STAY POSITIVE!

The Journey – Let’s Ponder…

STORY — THE JOURNEY

One day of the many days, there was a man travelling with his
Wife and Kids. On the way they met a person standing on the roadside. He asked: “Who are you?”

The man said: “I am ‘the Money’.”

So the man asked his wife and kids: “Should we ask him to ride with us?”

They all said together: “Yes, of course! Because ‘the Money’ can help us do anything we want and get anything we wished.” So they took ‘the Money’ to ride with them. The vehicle continued on its way until they met another person on the road. The Father asked: “Who are you?”

He said: “I am ‘the high position and power’.”

So the father asked his wife and kids: “Should we ask him to ride with us?”

They all answered in one voice: “Yes, of course! Because with ‘the high position and power’ we have the ability to do anything we want and own anything we wished.” So they took ‘the high position and power’ with them, and the vehicle continued to finish its trip.

In this way, they met with many people who promised pleasures and desires of life, UNTIL… They met one strange person… The Father asked: “Who are you?”

He said: “I am ‘the Deen’ (Islam).”

So the father, the wife, and the kids; all of them said in one voice: “No, no, this isn’t the time, we desire the pleasures of life and the Dunyah. ‘The Deen’ will prevent us and then stop us from all pleasurable things and it will take control of our lives. We will be worn-out from being loyal to it and its teachings. The Halaal and the Haraam, and this thing ‘prayer’ and that thing ‘Hijaab’, and the fasting, and; and; and; and; and; etc, It will be a burden for us!!!”

“But certainly, we will return to pick you up after we enjoy life and everything else in it.”

So sadly, they left him behind and the vehicle continued on its trip.

All of a sudden, out of nowhere something appeared in the middle of the road. It was a check-point with the sign saying STOP!!! They found a man gesturing for the father to get out of the vehicle. The man said to the father: “Your trip has ended. Come with me.”

The father was shocked with fear and did not say a word. The man said to him: “I am searching for ‘the DEEN’. Is he with you?”

The father answered: “No, I left him not too far back. If you could allow me to go back, I will get him for you.”

The man said: “You do not have the ability to go back now. Your trip has ended and there is no returning… going back is impossible.”

“But I have ‘The Money’; ‘the high position and power’; My Wife; My Kids; and; and; and; and; and; and; so on.”

The man said to him: “Neither will they benefit you now nor will they protect you when you come in front of Allah. Not even one bit! You have left all of them behind. The only one that will help you now is ‘The Deen’ you know, the one who YOU left behind on the road.”

The father asked: “And who are you exactly?”

He replied: “I AM ‘the DEATH’ – The one who you were heedless of – and the one who you did not think of on your trip!!!”

The father turned around and looked at his vehicle and found his wife taking control and continuing the trip along with all of the passengers besides him. And none of them had stayed behind with him. He was left all alone.

LET US NOT COMPROMISE OUR DEEN FOR THE WORLDLY THINGS. ONLY OUR DEEN WILL ACCOMPANY US BEYOND THE GRAVE. May ALLAH give us the ability to always do the things that will help us on the Day of Reckoning. Aameen