Divorce – what to avoid.. how to heal..

Here are some quick tips on how not be a jerk when hearing about someone’s divorce:

– If you are not their qualified marriage counselor or an attorney do not “assume” and start placing blame on either of the parties. Unless there was downright physical and emotional Abuse you know for a fact and were a witness to.
– Do not define the entire human and his or her entire achievements or character based on divorce.
– Realize that both parties are already hurting and your assumptions and hearsay can cause more harm and hurt to them. And as fellow Muslims that is haraam. Yep you read it right HARAAM.
– Qur’an clearly says that assumption is a sin. Stop assuming things based on your very limited knowledge.
– Say a good word or remain silent.
– Do not tell divorced people how they should feel or how they need to spread awareness based on their experience or how quickly they should heal. People who are divorced have every single right to not tell anyone. To heal at their own pace and to not turn a very vulnerable part of their life into an education session. They can decide to not speak about it at all and we all need to respect that.
– Mind your own freaking business. I honestly wish I could shake people and shout this in their ear drums. So many lives have been destroyed because so many of us fail to follow this little advice and a basic life skill. Don’t stick your nose where it doesn’t belong. It is a matter of two people who’ve grown a part, allow them to handle it. You’re denying both parties the opportunity to learn life lessons if you try to ‘fix’ the situation. Fix your own life first mate.
[I promise I am not a violent person, but the destruction interference in friendships or relations or marriage moves me a little on the edge]
– If children are involved the nonsense that comes out of your mouth will affect them. Honestly have some shame. control your curiosity and just shut up.
– If children are not involved do not say things like “thank Allah you two do not have kids” that is downright rude and is in noway on this Earth and not even in another parallel universe comforting. Ignorant statements like these cause more hurt.
– Realize Divorce is not a failure. In most cases it is the best thing that can happen to a couple. It is better to live single and happy and be better single parents than to be married and miserable and teach kids all sorts of wrong things about love, commitment and companionship.
– Divorce not only affects the individuals or kids involved but two entire families. Everyone is hurting respect that.
– Divorce suddenly seems to invite and attract well-meaning friends, relatives and bystanders, many who think they should offer advice on how to manage the divorce. And usually the advice surrounds around fear, suspicion and how to fight the other person.
Don’t be a jerk [keep repeating till it sinks in].
– Understand that people are totally capable of managing a divorce with grace and dignity. Not every divorce is ugly and bitter. There is not always drama involved. And even if drama is involved it is not your drama.
Repeat – Not my Circus and not my monkeys.
– Just because someone is a public figure you do not have the right to pass judgments or offer your unwanted opinions. This nonsense was uncontrollable when Sister Yasmin Mogahed shared about her separation. Every tom,dick and harry and seeta,geeta and meeta had an opinion about it. People who have never had one line conversations with Sister Yasmin were suddenly experts on her life and what she should have and she shouldn’t have done. Blimey what ultimate jokers.
– Our role models are our prophets and the people Allah has sworn by. I would like to share this little reminder by Ustadh Omar Suleiman

“I tell people this over and over again: don’t attach your faith to people. People will come and go. People will disappoint you. People will divulge dark secrets. People will turn out to be the opposite of what you thought.
Allah is perfect. His Messenger (peace be upon him) is a perfect example, and the religion is a perfect methodology. Attach yourself to the principles instead of the people. That way no Shaykh going wild or role model going rogue will be able to shake your faith.”
– Shaykh Omar Suleiman

Stop blaming public figures – they are humans. And humans are complex and fragile at the very same time.

– FACEBOOK AND SOCIAL MEDIA BULLYING – Bullying and harassing through Facebook is always a repercussion, and you could find yourself in deep troubles if you start slandering or defaming a person’s character. You may find yourself in a lot of fire if you make false accusations and assumptions. If not with people and not in this duniya then definitely in akhira with Allah and for eternity.
Fear Allah – Fear Allah seriously!

HOW YOU CAN HELP – YOU ASK?

– Pay for their counselling – healing takes a lot of effort..
– Send weekly meals.
– Offer to clean their home and workspace.
– Send them gifts it is sunnah and builds love and friendships.
– Gift them a spa day and offer to babysit their children.
– Do not bring up their ex or discuss about the divorce infront of kids. You can listen and support without getting caught up in the drama. Help reduce drama, not increase it. You can do it, I believe in you.
– Set horizons and boundaries on when you can talk about the divorce and when you can talk about just fun and future. And listen to the party that is hurting and do not force yourself or your help on them.
– Let them know it is okay to take time to heal and that you will always be around to lend a shoulder and to listen.

THE VERY BEST THING YOU CAN DO 🙂
Make dua! ❤
Make dua in sujood and in tahajjud for the humans that are hurting.
Dua heals everyone. Remember we are all on the same journey towards our lord. We are all walking each other home – OUR REAL HOME JANNAH. Do not undermine the weight of what comes out of your mouth or what you type with your fingers.

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