Husband and Wife Relationship…

When we think ” This (ie. The sunnah of RasulAllah s.a.w) applies in ideal conditions in which the husband also follows the Prophet’s sunnah and is kind, humble and gentle to his wife.”,

Firstly, We must understand that the law of Allah swt ie. The Shariah, from the Quran and the Sunnah of RasulAllah s.a.w is universal ie. it is for all mankind and not just for pious, obedient, kind and humble people or just muslims.

And, the commands of Allah swt and our beloved Prophet Muhammad s.a.w are not different towards those who hit, abuse or do not fulfill the rights of others obligated upon them. The law is same for everyone, however it is the people who choose to disobey, neglect and disregard the supreme commands.

Secondly, abusive relationships is a reality but it is not restricted to husbands  alone. Surveys have shown that there are wives who are abusive towards their husband.

All kinds of relationships have been abusive, sometimes the parents are abusive towards their children and vice versa. Let’s not forget the in laws or the siblings too.

Allah swt says:

And We will surely test you with something of fear and hunger and a loss of wealth and lives and fruits, but give good tidings to the patient,
Chapter (2) sūrat Al-baqarah (The Cow), Verse155)
Or do ye think that ye shall enter the Garden (of bliss) without such (trials) as came to those who passed away before you? they encountered suffering and adversity, and were so shaken in spirit that even the Messenger and those of faith who were with him cried: “When (will come) the help of Allah?” Ah! Verily, the help of Allah is (always) near!
214 :Surah Al-Baqarah Verse No:214
Do the people think that they will be left to say, “We believe” and they will not be tried?
{2; Surah Al-‘Ankabut}

Please understand that each servant of Allah swt is under trials and tests as long as in this Dunya.

Coming back to the question, whether should a wife obey an abusive husband?

As far as I have understood, a wife is obligated to be  obedient to her husband as long as she is under his guardianship and in the relationship, except in cases in which the husband commands Shirk or anything that causes great displeasure to Allah swt.

Now, it is not healthy, neither easy nor peaceful to live in an abusive relationship whilst practicing obedience. And because this is a trial for them, one must strive and practice Patience, Prayer and perseverance which is a direct command of Our Allah swt:

Oh you who believe! Seek help with patient perseverance and prayer, for God is with those who patiently persevere. ~Chapter 2, Verse 153

For those who exercise patience, Allah (swt) will help and show a way out of every difficulty.

And for those who fear Allah, He (ever) prepares a way out, …And He provides for him from (sources) he never could imagine. And if any one puts his trust in Allah, sufficient is (Allah) for him. For Allah will surely accomplish his purpose: verily, for all things has Allah appointed a due proportion. ~Chapter 65, Verse 2-3
Seek Allah’s help with patient perseverance and prayer. It is indeed hard except for those who are humble. ~Chapter 2, Verse 45

“Patiently, then, persevere – for the Promise of Allah is true, and ask forgiveness for your faults, and celebrate the praises of your Lord in the evening and in the morning.” ~Chapter 40, Verse 55

And if one does this, the rewards are unimaginable.

No one will be granted such goodness except those who exercise patience and self-restraint, none but persons of the greatest good fortune. ~Chapter 41, Verse 35

Now, Alhamdulillah, we are all aware that this is not easy. We cannot come close to what the Prophets endured, not even close to the saints or the righteous servants of Allah swt.

But, we must understand that Allah swt sees our intentions first, so let’s just strive to the best of our ability.

Efforts count more than results, we cannot control the outcome of any act, Allah swt controls everything. What we control is our character and the ability to work hard to achieve something.

So either we try to fix the abusive relationship with patience, kindness, tahajjud, dua, counselling plus several other righteous ways recommended by the good scholars, muftis etc… considering the circumstances of each couple in dispute.

Or

One can come out of an abusive relationship with the option most disliked by Allah swt however made permissible ie. Seperation by Divorce.

Please remember that if our tests/trials are difficult, then we must keep in mind that Allah Allah swt has also given us the strength to deal with it because:

“لَا يُكَلِّفُ ٱللَّهُ نَفْسًا إِلَّا وُسْعَهَا
“Laa yukallifullahu nafsan illa wus’aha..”
On no soul does Allah Place a burden greater than it can bear.
Quran

The greater the trial the bigger the reward.

Anyhow it’s all Qadr Allah…. but we must hold onto tawakkal Ala Allah. Ie. Putting our trust in Allah

Few more pointers I feel are worthy to remember:

1. Keeping good company and taking advice from the righeous trustworthy servants of Allah swt. People have a tendency to seek help from those who practice Shirk and biddah, it’s best to avoid such misguiding persons who are most likely to make one commit severe sins.

2. Help the spouse to come out of the bad habits by acts of goodness and duas.

3. Strive to do good, being positive, know that the spouse is not the enemy, rather the shaitan is the enemy of the couple.

Jabir R.A  reported: The Messenger of Allah, peace and blessings be upon him, said, “Verily, Satan places his throne over the water and he sends out his troops. The closest to him in rank are the greatest at causing tribulations. One of them says: I have done this and this. Satan says: You have done nothing. Another one says: I did not leave this man alone until I separated him from his wife. Satan embraces him and he says: You have done well.”

Source: Ṣaḥīḥ Muslim 2813

And due to the fact that this bond (between husband and wife) is from the most beloved affairs to Allah and His Messenger, it is from the most hated affairs to the enemy of Allah (i.e. shaytaan). Therefore he hastens to split two people who love another for the sake of Allah.

4. Do not feel insecure on seeing a couple who looks happy. What is apparent may not be the reality, it’s just that Allah swt has concealed their shortcomings from others. Know that every individual, every family is fighting a battle of their own, every child of Adam alaihis salaam is under trial. A trial of a different kind, of varied degrees in various stages of life.

5. Being thankful for whatever we have, Alhamdulillah. Think that the reason we do not have a big bungalow or a pricy car is because Allah swt has protected us from its fitnah because of which we may land in hell, nauzubillah. So, Alhamdulillah again. Alhamdulillah for every moment,  Alhamdulillah for everything.

فَإِنَّ مَعَ الْعُسْرِ يُسْرً إِنَّ مَعَ الْعُسْرِ يُسْرًا
Inna Ma’al Usri Yusra, Fa’ inna Ma’al Usri Yusra.

So verily, with the hardship, there is relief, Verily, with the hardship, there is relief (i.e. there is one hardship with two reliefs, so one hardship cannot overcome two reliefs).

 

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